So the last post was really intense. It was also very real.
I have to admit this year and especially the last past three months really broke me and I went to a very dark place.
I am currently in a uncertain, transition and silent season in my life where I really do not know what God is doing in my life.
To say the least, 2017 is the year I got tired. I woke up at the beginning of this year thinking way too much about my life and the journey. I came up to the conclusion that things really did not turn out the way I wanted. I have now been in the UK for 14 years and I had this image of my life and what I wanted it to be. Believe me I fought really hard and tried really hard to create the life I wanted. There were so many barriers to conquer and so many ‘no’ or not now and at the end I did not conquer.
So disappointed, bitter, angry, emotional, frustrated, and weary, I kinda spiralled into unhealthy coping mechanisms. I just wanted to quit everything an give up.
I had so much expectations and none of them were met. I had not achieved any of my dreams and I got tired.
But even when I let go, God did not. Even when I get tired, he did not. I got reminded that when you get tired, it does not mean you should definitely give up every thing but you should actually rest.
So after really busy month of August, I took time to recharge.
I always feels like September is like the start of the year…It is the month academic year and fashion year start so I decide to do a bit of refocus and refreshing.
I had days of doing nothing.
I declutered my flat.
I reorganise my possessions.
I digitalise my important documents.
I download and discovered new music.
I deciding to re-think the way i spend my money.
I made a vision board.
And most importantly I rested.
In that resting, God spoke and showed me that this season of frustration had a purpose. God also showed me my heart.
Years ago in one on my lowest moment, God led me to Ez 36:26
I WILL GIVE YOU A NEW HEART
I WILL PUT A NEW SPIRIT IN YOU
I WILL TAKE OUT YOUR STONY STUBBORN HEART
AND GIVE YOU A TENDER RESPONSIVE HEART
The one thing that God always wants to work on is my heart. See God revealed to me that there were still a lot of darkness and brokenness in me and He cannot bring me to a new place before He heals me.
At first I got upset.
I resisted him.
I whined about the whole thing.
I fought him.
I even ignored him.
But his strong love pursued me.
He show me that this is how he loves.
He will rather frustrate me and delay me than letting my wounds grow deeper.
Because these wounds would have caused more damage to me and people in my life.
So I surrendered. I am going to rest a bit, sit at his feet and letting him healed me, with his love.