When you do not hope anymore

I wanted to make a little series of posts about my current season. I am sharing a state of mind that may be familiar for some….I have felt like this recently and I had to put it in writing in form a little poems.

It happens sometimes when life hit you too hard, you found yourself losing hoping.

When you do not hope anymore

And then you reached a point

Where you get really tired in your waiting

Especially when you where at an avenue where you had an inkling of hope

You thought this is it

This is what I pray for

Finally it is here

You feel all the expectations

You smile

And then

Just like that the door close back on you

Brutally

It was not it

So here you are laying on the floor

Feeling disappointment like you never felt it before

You are locked in the tower of despair just like the pilgrim

But you are so tired now that you do not want to take the key to get out of there

A part of you is mature enough in your faith to understand that even this setback has a purpose

you will probably make sense of this later on

Because at the end everything is a lesson…Isn’t it?

But now it looks like this storm is too strong for you

This does not seems to make you

This is actually breaking you

And you know about being broken because you have been broken in the past

So many times

So many times you have reached rock bottom

You know what it is like to feel heavy

To not be able to breathe easy

You have known disappointment and frustration before

You are acquainted to these negative feelings

The sadness

The anger

The regret

The bitterness

The pain

They become for a moment, unfortunate friends

They do not want to leave you alone

You are with them so close in this tower of despair

They are the talking to you

And you know you don’t really want to listen to them

Good people try to make you see the light and you think to yourself ‘I have heard these words of encouragement before

I know these verses’

But somehow they do not work in this storm

Actually nothing seems to work

My usual coping mechanisms are not useful here

I am oh so quickly reminded of my pain when the song is over

When the pack of sweets is empty

When the movie credits starts rolling

When you come back home from hanging out with friends and your mask have to come off

The reality is you are not okay

And you do not know when you will be okay

In the mist of people you feel alone and bored

As time goes by, you feel more and more empty

Life becomes a bore and it feels pointless

Every day you are in autopilot so that you do not feel anything

You do not want to feel anything anyway

Nothing matter

You want to disappear but you cannot

This dark tunnel is endless

Where is the light?

Hope?  Where are you?

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